shall we....

well as i put nicely on my facebook ...I didn't accept it 100% nor joined the bandwagon but still i've decided not to run away coz sooner or later i need to overcome this phase (especially with the promised that i had)

so here I go..venture the road so unknown hehehe at least for me, try to live up the spirit, putting a bright happy face wherever i go ;)...i've try several times to convey what i feel inside but for some reason it never come out right most often i just hurt people that i care the most.
so right now i think its better to stay silent and go with the flow, while thinking carefully on how to delivered my opinion.

being extremely busy, browse here and there, coz no matter how ignorant I can be, i'm still the over perfectionist Ceha, who wants to know every single detail and who desperately need everything to be conducted in her own way (less than perfect sometimes is not acceptable hehehe)
so eventhough my heart not 100% in it from the outside seems that I am 100% eager and very passionate about this things.

now browsing time approaching it's end, time to actually go into action
so my weekend is busy with testing, trying, searching, listening and fitting.
so shall we...

an Ugly truth

no...this post is not about any movies (which happened to have the same title), this posting is about reality...things that we thought so faaaarrr away but apparently very to close to us.

we all in some point of time, experiencing anger right? afterall we are a human being with emotions. I just want to know the following : How can you be so sure when you are mad, you are not hurting those people that you love so dearly? how to release an emotion in a good manner (if there is such a good manner when you are angry) ? how can you be sure you're not regreting anything when it already subdue? how to vent your anger without jeopardizing anything?
coz I don't know the answer....in lots of case when i angry ...i hurt people not physically more to mentally (word is my weapon...a strong and killer word if i may add), so i don't see the damage, and when the anger is gone i can easily appologize and behave like nothing happened coz whatever the consequences its just not visible.

but how in the case of those people who when they are mad, they go physical.
the damage is there...visible from any angle you want it, how those people feel when the anger is gone only to found out they left bruises, visible mark.
do appologize is enough? is "i'm sorry it won't happened again" will erase all? where is the guarantee that it really not going to happen again, where is the limit

I thought physical violence or maybe domestic violence is a very far in the horizon, i mean i used to read it on the newspaper or watching it on the news, but lets thinking it this way, everyone is with emotion and you just never know when it will vent to anger that lead to physical....you never know..
that is why i think it's best to start learn from now on, to control the emotion and if anger come, to vent it in a good manner (please someone teach me about this coz i don't want to hurt anybody mentally anymore and most of all physically)

ps. i'm in the edge of crying as I saw someone that I care got a purple eye just because someone that so dearly to her can't control the emotion

Moment of Truth

I finally arrived on the intersection which lead to so many different road, which challenge my entire view point, forcing me to actually see what matters the most.
and to be honest ..I'm scared...this whole thing scare the hell out of me.
I know if only I've been given an extra time and space, i would probably flew.

I keep asking myself have i made the right decision, have I aware of all the consequences, have I exercising all the possibilities....or even to a basic question "have I listen and probe well"

what i want and what i believe is contradicting in so many ways...ways that i can't imagine before. they fighting inside my head...my brain say go to the left, while my heart ..(is it my heart??) say go to the right. all my logical and rational things says "get out of there...this is enough..this is the limit..this is your threshold".
but a gentle or softer ;p side of me says "are u sure? u probably not gonna feel as intense as this anymore? don't you want to finish it? see how it comes when you finally reach the ultimate goal?, goal that lots of people dreaming of but for somehow it just never crossed on your mind?"

and for once in my life...I just wished i could have someone to decide it for me, coz at least when i look back, reminisce the decision that i've made, i can just easily said "well, it's not mine to decide in the 1st place...i just followed what "X" told me to do"
but unfortunately that's not the case, decision still need to be made, plan need to be plot, and consequences need to be predict.

God give me your strength ... to be brave, to be patient, and to be strong...no matter what.

contemplating

Lately i've been contemplating lots of things, but to be honest i do contemplate a lots, but most of the time it so focus on 1 thing, not like recently.

i have many stuff going on from personal life, career choice, finance to friends.
I made quite a choice couple months back ...and i still don't know whether i'm making the right one.

I'm confuse, been through many stage right now, emotional downturn you name it.
try to keep my head clear but no matter how hard i try once in a while it keep coming back clouded everything, and when it's all clouded ...i just can't think straight.

i'm a strong believer that you always have an option no matter what and now i feel that i need to eat that word alive hahaha, coz seems like a dead end, never ending circle. I choose 1 option today, i realy hope it not backfired.
well, i know each choice hold its own consequences,but I’m really am tired of judging and analyzing it. I wish I can have my reckless day and being forgiven afterward but even me can’t make my help to do that.

Someone whose so dearly to me once asked me to stop analyzing and just follow the flow, stop making what if scenario and actually just enjoy the ride…I tried …I did tried, but somehow during my alone moment …I keep coming back hahaha

I’m not making any sense now…I just want to babble out

Mau marah!!!

Turn out last saturday wasn't my day after all

pas pagi2nya sih berjalan baik2 aja, seneng banget malah kumpul ama anak2 di Apt-nya venny...pertama kalinya g dibikinin sarapan ama jeunk venny, thank you ya plus she so kind driving me to BTN dewi sartika, walaupun sempet muter2 due to my stupidity (maaf ya...tau kan kalo ama jalan g tuh suka clueless abies)

walaupun org BTN-nya nyebelin plus ditambah suku bunga KPA yang mencekik tapi mood g seneng banget bisa bareng2 my best girlfriends in the world itu.
ke Mangga dua, seseruan belanja-belanji sampai cici penjualnya ngira kita dari luar kota saking ramenya hahaha
plus seru banget cerita2 kita during lunch, priceless banget deh liat mukanya Indra pas denger, trus pake ngasih2 kode nga jelas itu.

Nga disangka malemnya BUSUK banget!
udah dicuekin pas dinner for something that i don't even know (guess next time i should be just sit still and be quiet)then when we're back to Albert house just to find his neighbour already screw my car!

g kaget banget pas masuk belokannya rumah albert only to see there's another car vertically park right in front of my car and his neighbour dalam keadaan mabuk sibuk nyariin orang2.
ya tentunya kita turun semua (kita semua pake mobilnya gow untuk makan malem berhubung mobil dia gede dan kayanya nga seru aja harus konvoy 3 mobil)
ternyata mobil g yang diparkir di depan rumahnya albert agak menghalangi mobil tetangga gilanya itu untuk masuk ke garasinya.
ya sudah yg pertama g lakukan adalah mengecek bagian depan mobil g, dan g bernafas lega karena nga ada yg lecet. Tapi baru mau tenang ternyata pas g cek samping mobil, ternyata si tetangga gila yang mabok ini udah nyongkel handle mobil g aja lho. walhasil handle bagian pengemudi g terlepas dari tempatnya alias udah bolong gitu aja.
Gila ...berasa marahnya udah sampe Ubun2 kepala g, yang g lakukan cuman menarik napas panjang sambil frantically mencet2 hp g...padahal g udah nga kepikiran mo telp siapa.
Iya g ngaku juga salah, kurang mundur dikit yang membuat dia nga bisa dengan sekali attempt masuk rumahnya tapi kan dia nga bisa dengan begitu aja ngerusakin mobil g donk!!!!
kalo g nga mandang albert, nita ama anaknya ....udah nga tau deh apa jadinya. mana tuh tetangga gila masih aja berkomat kamit nga jelas.

pokoknya busuk banget deh!!
traumatis abis....not ever deh g maen2 kedaerah itu lagi
yang bikin g nga abis pikir, itu kompleks di kelapa gading yang harusnya penghuninya
ada pendidikannya lah, or at least ada sopan santunnya.

Moga2 si bapak tetangga yang mabok itu diingetkan ama orang lain atau apalah, biar dia tau betapa nga enaknya punya mobil dicongkel orang.

ps. hiks....jadinya mobil g bagian depan di posisi pengemudi nga bisa dibuka dari luar.

positive mindset

I read 2 damn good books lately which in each of own way helping me get through the day (btw, thanks Dwi for lend me those book)....No..that's too exaggerate...they motivate me in a very positive way.

1. The Last lecture by Randy Pausch
showing me the idea that the wall/barrier is exist for reason, he explained things in his comical way which get right to me without me being feel lectured.
Yes, it exist for reason, thick and tall of the wall also gives a contribution on how bad you want something.
but sometimes you just need to know that the wall is there, and your task is to find every other possible way to pass it without barging you self directly thru it.
coz man ....it's HURT.

2. The Dip by Seth Godin
this book giving me the perspective of quitting, hey hold your thought right there!
guitting is not always connotes with bad things, this book show you the other way around, how sometimes to be successfull all you need to do is quitting at the right moment.
but hey ....stop dreaming of quitting if you haven't try every way humanly possible to master the game, because time is essential to determine whether you will come out as a loser or a winner due to your "quit" action ;D
when i read the tagline , I'm burst in to serial laugh (I'm talking about serious laugh here ...hehehe) a very provocative tagline right on the cover, right when i need it so you know how it feels right...just like a slap in the face.

I'm working on my positive mindset every other day, try to eliminates all the negativity that usually i could find easy around me.
Feel like brainwashing my self though, but what the heck.....people do brainwash themself as well hehehehe.

Once again "Happiness is a perception" (a mantra that i've keep repeating every day now)

the question remains

Quite sometimes ago, i wrote something about time in aspect, how time can justify how well we know someone.

well, i still not sure whether time can really help you to determine your judgement of someone, but i do learn something else.
I learnt that it takes your gut feel to know the characteristic of a person, your inner voice to know whether you can click to each other, your emotional judgement to see how well you can interact and tolerate others.

and that night -i rephase- since couple months ago, I'm sure i can trust that person, i can rely and actually put up with all the challenges ahead.

and I'm grateful when i being asked the question (again!!), i can answer it with confidence.